I would say Mike came into your life as a gateway of showing what love can be and also showing for himself what love can be. You didn’t do anything wrong, and remember that you were not the one who backed away, for whatever reason he did, it was something, it was fear, or it was his son, or whatever it was. And I can really feel that when you were starting to fantasize about Mike (after E1) you were discovering that this is relationship with Chris is not safe, this is not really a good relationship. You were never acknowledged that you are beautiful, that you are good enough, you were never confirmed in those and many ways. When you met Chris, he shows you that he is one person but then when you’re married he shows you the other person because then you are in prison.
It’s so interesting that you tell me that when you were 21 you were working in a prison. You see women being targeted, abused, addiction, in so many, many difficulties, crazy, fear, anger, everything you see that. And you can stand there. And you know, there are not many women who can stand there, in your own journey you can stand there because you hold your own house. So what you were doing, you put little Debby in a prison so that no one can touch her around the fence. They can’t take the core of you, the core is always there. When you are 21 you started to work in prison and to understand women… what is a woman? What is really the world, what is really love, what is a relationship? So you learn by observation, you learn by experience and you are following that stream of being, of living in a survival mode, but you are living in that.
And then you meet Mike when you are 22 and he decides to leave his wife and his son which for a 22 year old that hadn’t really had the school or life or of being a woman it becomes a wow effect. He’s doing this for me, he is seeing me, and it becomes emotional, maybe from him even more the emotion, but it becomes emotional. You haven’t done anything or anything wrong, he is the one withdrawing it so the question is what is it in his system that makes him withdraw? What makes him not hold to a relationship and to not step out. That stands on him. And he is giving you a gift. He is giving you the gift that this is how love can feel. You know the euphoric feeling you can have when you are sitting with someone, or a peaceful feeling by sitting side by side with someone who understands you beyond the words. And it becomes a longing in you. This girl, this young woman in you… it’s not that you become obsessed with him, it’s not obsession, its proof of the existence of love and he becomes the love proof. He is the proof and that is why the fantasy is arising (after E1). The terror of diseases (also after E1) that if I change myself maybe this love will not have me. I need to stay as I am because maybe if he comes back I will be there... (I'm a little lost...?) So it becomes these two parallels, maybe different worlds, one is living underneath in your subconscious and one is living consciously in your space. So the longing for him is an expression, what I am longing for, but he is the expression of that. He’s the form of that. It is not being obsessed. He is the key of what love can be. He’s the form of that.
Your mother is the form of what invisible trauma can be and your father is the form of what visible trauma and abuse can be. And Chris becomes a form of where he shows his concern, he’s kind of showing that he’s a trustworthy man, but when you are married, when you are in prison with him, then the abuse starts because then he has full control. And that abuse is a reaction to his own journey. And that has nothing to do with you.
When two traumatized people are living together the frequency is never aligned. It’s being done automatically, we are fine tuning throughout the days. With Mike for those 3 ½ months there was no needing of fine tuning. There was one tuning, one frequency, and you shared this frequency. And they say that when you meet these kind of people in life where you share one frequency, like Mike, this person becomes the proof of what a man should be. He became the icon of that; that this is how I love a woman. You haven’t done anything wrong. But you didn’t have anyone who encouraged you or inspired you like when you were doing your hair when you were young, beautiful clothes, instead it was correction. Either that this is perfect, now we go, or no, you have to follow the rules that controlled everything domestically.
So this space that you have shared with Mike is a beautiful space, it’s a beautiful space, and that is the space that I would suggest for you to keep you in your heart. It’s a beautiful space. Also something to say thank you for that he showed you this, that metaphorically he gave you that this is how love feels. And then that he couldn’t hold that, it has to do with him, not you. It is something that is inside of him. It can be fear of feeling intense emotions. When people feel this overwhelming love, either they stay or they run.
(I talk about Mike being my father and Chris being my mother… ) So, we say that Mike was your father and Chris was your mother. So, you have all these experiences of these two but one thing is that with all this experience you can really see that if you look at value, if we look at you as a woman, as of value, as worthy, we take gold seeds from Mike because he really showed what love can be. He could express it, with his whole body I can feel he can express it, so he could share it. And if you look at Chris, he’s more closed or unavailable emotionally. It shows that often through life we often mirror our mother and our father.
And it’s not fair against yourself for you to take away this whole experience of Mike. It is not fair to yourself. He taught you a lot. He was there for a reason. And your emotions are your emotions, no one can take that away from you. So when you are experiencing something, like an emotion in present time it can be a memory but it lives in you, it’s something that needs to come up and be expressed. And when it comes to Mike, he’s really afraid of living, he’s really afraid of emotions, but it’s really not to be erased, it’s not to be erased. This has been your life and to go there is understandable. You feel so much, you feel this, you feel that, you feel abandoned, etc., etc., but really, looking at your life, how can it be otherwise? So it’s just to be very kind and humble with yourself. I know that it’s hard, I’ve been there, and it’s really, really difficult. And also to remember that you have so many belief systems that become the proof of life for you. You have the right to choose. And you have the right to go into remembering this space with Mike. (I tell her that he walks with me in nature, that I want to share the really good things with him. That the two years Nora and I talked about this changed me but didn’t eradicate him. It’s the things like the nature, the light, like the painting that I want so much to share with him, that I do feel that I do share with him.) What is also beautiful in this is that you choose life, you choose actively life today and to do that there will come moments when it will reflect into the more heart spaces. And there is what we call soul twins, two people with deep soul connections where you feel like you know each other even though you don’t know each other. That is what pulled you together without even words.
